


Burned out Stars, They Shine so Bright

by inpiniteu



Category: Rainbow (Band)
Genre: Drug Use, Future Fic, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kpop Olymfics, Mildly Dubious Consent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-16
Updated: 2015-05-16
Packaged: 2018-03-30 19:45:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3949348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inpiniteu/pseuds/inpiniteu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Noeul has seen it all — the good, the bad, the pretty and the ugly. Noeul has seen it all, has seen it all happen but not to them, never to them. It's March 2016 and for Rainbow, nothing has changed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Burned out Stars, They Shine so Bright

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings for implied dub-con (sexual intercourse), drug use (volontary and non-consented), brief mention of suicide.
> 
> Title comes from Metric's Front Row.
> 
> Originally written for [Kpop Olymfics 2015](http://kpop-olymfics.livejournal.com).

 

 

_"Please give me strength,  
I want to chase after the light in the darkness and catch it,  
Wherever I am, no one can stop me"_

 

_"Do wanna say, wanna say, wanna say..."_

Noeul sings along as Gossip Girl is played loudly in the practice room. The words come easy on her lips, almost as a mantra learnt a long time ago and never forgotten, despite the years passing.

There's a bit of truth to this, she guesses as her feet hit the ground in sync with the music. A debut song is, by default, difficult to forget. A seven year old debut song that is still included in your set-list every time you get gigs at low-key university festivals, even more so.

The choreography, especially simple as it is, is one all the members have mastered years ago and Noeul often wonders what's even the point of this — being here hours on ends practicing choreographies they would be able to achieve in their sleep, believing that whatever they're doing isn't useless, hoping they still have a chance to hit it big.

A yelp of pain from her right snaps her away from her thoughts. She turns her head a little to the side but doesn't stop dancing. No one does, no one ever does. She manages to catch Seunga's eyes as said girl rubs her elbow.

Noeul quickly looks away, unable to smile back and she closes her eyes, willing the guilt she’s feeling to go away soon.

The practice room they use nowadays has barely enough space for the seven of them to be comfortable while dancing and accidents such as arms hitting bare concrete walls or feet being stepped on had been frequent when they had started coming down in the basement to train, a few months ago.

They still are, to an extent.

Indeed, it's easy to forget they're all standing at arm’s-length of each other in this small room and even easier to forget that the ample movements they were once taught and are used to make need to be toned down now. Incidents are always laughed off with either a shrug or an apologetic smile and Noeul supposes it's the only thing they can do — laugh them off and move on as if nothing happened.

After all, turning a blind eye to anything remotely unpleasant is a well-known rule in this industry.

But the elephant in this room and following each of them everywhere they go exists, she often wants to point out. It will keep on existing until it’s addressed and dealt with once and for all.

It will continue being there even during encounters with fellow idols backstage, their smiles irritatingly polite as they barely mask their surprise at seeing them having a schedule; it will still be around as more popular _dongsaeng-deul_ call them _sunbaenim-deul_ , with either a hint of pity or undisguised mockery in their eyes.

It’s there, it's _always_ there and it’s everywhere — in the company building, her apartment, even in Jeonju where the gazes of her relatives and townsfolk have hurt her more than anything else had before.

It’s tough, knowing you haven’t met the expectations that had been set upon you. It’s tough, moving forward in a music industry where you don’t fit. It’s tough but they still did it, trying to hold proudly onto what they had achieved, with a bond and a friendship no one could rob them of.

Seven years into debut and an original line-up still perfectly intact. More popular bands hadn’t even been to able to achieve that and she remembers how during the few interviews they had the past few years, journalists had often asked them how they had done it — staying together. She remembers the implication behind their words, the _”Why haven’t you given up and left yet?”_ they hadn’t pronounced but ringing so clear, so loud in her ears and hitting her so deeply inside she could still hear them at nights if she tried.

Why should they give up? Why should they stop doing what they like? She remembers asking herself. Even if things change, even if nothing is the same as it once was, Rainbow is their rock and source of happiness.

While we have grown up and ourselves changed, our bond hasn’t, Jaekyung had said once as they had left the building to go back to their respective places.

It hasn’t changed and won’t change, they had all agreed as their tired faces had lightened up for a second, finding comfort in that fact.

Not everything has to change, even if a lot did and would continue to do so.

Not everything has, even if a multitude of things, both inside and outside the korean pop industry, have since Rainbow has debuted.

Noeul has seen it all — the good, the bad, the pretty and the ugly.

Young teenagers debuting, eyes bright and smiles even brighter or groups hitting their five, six, seven anniversary and pushing themselves to go a bit further, fueled by the desire of spending another year together.

And along with them, the ones unable to make an impact on the market, crashing and burning so fast that almost no one remembered them, their focus instead on the few ones that had succeeded in hitting it big — either overnight and a random bust of luck or after countless sleepless nights and hard work.

Noeul has seen it all, has seen it all happen but not to them, never to them.

It's March 2016 and for Rainbow, nothing has changed.

 

-

 

Her phone rings suddenly, breaking the calm atmosphere of her apartment.

Noeul flinches as the sharp sound of her ringtone echoes in her living room, surprising her, and she blindly searches for her tv remote, finding it under one of the too many pillows she has on her couch. She quickly mutes the afternoon show her inattentive mind had put on as a distraction and concentrates on her ringtone, trying to find out where the sound could come from.

Her ringtone feels foreign to her ears. It could have been days or maybe even weeks since the last time she had heard it. Noeul doesn't remember, doesn't have anything to remember.

Calls are a rare occurrence, except for the regular ones from her parents and Ara; the sweet words her mom always utters or the bubbly chatting of her sister often ends up being the highlights of her week. It’s too soon for her sister to have a new boyfriend or something worthy to share, though, and her mom wouldn't call in the middle of the afternoon.

The phone stops ringing before she can find it and her eyebrows scrunch together in displeasure at missing what could have been a break in the routine she has been going through these past few months.

An unexpected phone call could only mean _something_ was going to happen. It could be good, it could be bad. It is something, at least.

Noeul doesn’t lose time when it starts buzzing again. She crouches down on her carpet to look under her sofa, then straightens up and starts throwing the pillows decorating it everywhere. She will care about the mess later. She has to find that phone, has to take that call no matter what.

A sigh of relief slips past her lips as she manages to find it, laying there under the red and soft orange cushions and she makes a mental note to stop buying a cushion every time Jaekyung drags her furniture shopping.

“Are you that busy? I thought you would be quicker to answer.” Her manager greets her, the hint of teasing and playfulness in his voice making her roll her eyes.

Once upon a time, when she didn’t mind the free time and getting a few days in a row without schedules, she used to find it funny.

Now is a different story, now she’s a white bird in a golden cage who waits and waits again for the day she will be let out, wondering when she will be let free and able to join the happier people she sees walking in the streets.

She’s a bird who wants to spread her wings and fly away to places she hasn’t been to, to lands she hasn’t conquered yet.

Trying to fly in a cage does get tiring, and she’s tired of standing still.

“Not really, no," she answers, swallowing back the acidic words burning her throat, the words she always thinks but never says. "Why are you calling, oppa?"

The grip on her phone gets tighter as he doesn't reply immediately. Red flashes in front of her eyes, the silence stretching and she can feel it — her heartbeat accelerating, her breath slowing down. Is it the end? Just like that? Aren't they worth more than a two minute call? Do the girls—

"Come down to the office," he says after what seems an eternity but couldn't be more than a few seconds, a minute at most. "There's something we need to talk about."

"Is it—?" The words refuse to come out, as if pronouncing them would make them real. It probably is but the hope inside her is still alive, still burning so strongly that it consumes her whole and leaves her shaking, her legs unable to support them much longer and she leans against her couch.

"Just come. Right now."

The sound of the dial tone still echoes in her ears even as she puts on her shoes, a battered pair of running shoes that had seen better days, and grabs a long black trench coat that Jaekyung had declared to be a trend and had forced her to buy, one or two years ago.

Noeul can already imagine her leader's face when she will see her outfit — her perfectly trimmed brows turned downwards and and her lips twisted in a small grimace. She would deal with Jaekyung's feelings over her lack of fashion sense later, when she wouldn't have to worry about whether she would have a band and a career tomorrow, when she wouldn't have to worry to see a decade of hard work slip through her fingers and disintegrate into thin air with no one remembering her name in a few months, if not a few days (if it’s not already forgotten, the voice at the back of her mind whispers).

She would deal with anything that wasn't her future later but now, she had to go and find out if she would even be Rainbow’s Noeul tomorrow, had to know in which direction the bird was going to go — towards the entertainment scene again or down another road.

The bird is leaving its cage, but Noeul doesn’t feel happy.

 

-

 

Later means immediately since Jaekyung is there, leaning against the wall facing her front door.

Noeul should have expected it, should have expected that she would be there and waiting for her. Jaekyung had always done so — waiting for her so they could leave for practice or the occasional schedule they shared together. It had started randomly, soon after they had all moved out from their cramped dorm to try out living alone.

While the other girls were scattered all over Seoul with a few of them, such as Hyunyoung and Seunga, moving closer to their parents’ places, Jaekyung and her had decided to stay in Nonhyeon-dong1. Living close to the company headquarters had been her choice, the only criteria she had taken into account to find a new place. Nonhyeon-dong was the only area of Seoul she had known since she had moved from the countryside all those years ago, the only place in Seoul she knew like the back of her hand and where she didn’t feel as a complete stranger. The narrow and grey streets of the _dong_ , full of outdated apartment complexes or faded front stores disfiguring the view are nothing like the green areas and the pure fresh air she had grown up with in Jeollabuk-do and would never be home but it was a place she had gotten familiar with. She didn’t belong there but had learnt to fit in.

Moving into the same building had been completely unplanned on their part though, and had surprised them both. Noeul had known Jaekyung would also want to stay close to the DSP building as her schedule was more packed than the rest of them and her involvement with the creative team had grown bigger and bigger over the years but they had never talked about it, had never approached the subject of perhaps moving close to each other (and staying together while being separated).

Noeul had secretly hoped it would happen or that, at least, they wouldn’t be too far from each other. Kim Jaekyung had been Rainbow’s leader for the past seven years and had been Noeul’s anchor for as long, keeping her afloat when nothing and no one else could. She needed her close, more than she was ready to confess.

“I just got the call,” Jaekyung says as she closes her front door. Noeul pointedly ignores the disapproving glance Jaekyung gives her after eyeing her clothes and starts walking down the hallway, her friend just behind her. “I hope it’s great news.”

“I hope so, too,” she answers after a long pause, stepping into the empty street.

It’s true. She hopes it’s good news, she just knows it isn’t.

Jaekyung links an arm through hers and they start the five minute walk leading them to their fate. The March wind blows softly and rays of sunshine are poking through a sky full of clouds, warming her face and her body. It’s a good day for a walk. _It’s a good day, period,_ she tries to convince herself as she takes a deep breath and tries to enjoy the feeling of warmness against her skin.

She had forgotten how it felt to feel warm.

“What do you think this is about?” Jaekyung asks, breaking the silence that had settled between them as they near the company’s office. Only a few teenagers are waiting in front of it, two dozen at most, and none of them is a familiar face. There hasn’t been a fan waiting for them in years but Noeul doesn’t mind much. She likes being able to walk freely in the streets, of being a woman of twenty-eight2 years old woman almost like any other.

Noeul is surprised she didn’t ask sooner, tilting her head to one side, deep in thought as she’s pondering over her answer. Not over what to answer, no, but over whether she should answer. _All truth is good, but not all truth is good to say,_ she remembers her mom saying to her once.

Her truth is one of those.

A slight shrug of her shoulders is her only reaction and she firmly looks ahead, ignoring the concerned glances Jaekyung throws her way and the grip that gets tighter on her arm, the worried ramble about that meeting coming out on her friend’s lips being washed away by the polite greetings of the secretaries and security guards as they step into the building.

She sighs in relief at the words she won’t have to say, the suspicions she won’t have to voice.

_I think it’s the end._

 

-

 

“Look at who finally decided to show up,” Jisook teases, the wheels of her chair squeaking on the floor tiles as she turns around in her seat to wave at them. “That’s not very leader-like, Jaekyung unnie.”

“Yeah,” Hyunyoung adds, a little grin stretching her lips upwards, “Managers came twice to check on you but you weren’t here, unnie. So professional, really.”

The both of them burst into laughter and Noeul looks fondly at them, relieved that the two girls don’t seem tense or worried.

Noeul stops in her tracks, halfway in the middle of the room, processing the maknae’s words and looking straight at Jaekyung, her eyebrows settled into a frown. “Didn’t you get the call just before me?” she mouths at her and Jaekyung just shakes her head slightly, dismissing the subject as she looks away and focuses on the two youngest instead, flicking them off.

Of course, she didn’t.

Noeul doesn’t know how to feel about this, about their leader discarding her duties for her. _I’m not only your leader_ , Jaekyung would say, _I’m also your friend and it’s as important to me, if not more._ She appreciates it, she always does, but it doesn’t make her feel better.

A sigh escapes her lips and she sits down in the closest chair she can find, right between Yoonhye and Woori and the rapper looks at her, a worried expression on her face. “What’s wrong? Are you nervous about this?”

Noeul shakes her head. It doesn’t convince Woori though, as she looks at Noeul straight in the eyes, patting her arm softly, “You shouldn’t. Whatever happens, we’re going to pull through.”

She doesn’t have time to answer, doesn't get to point out that Woori's tone is unsure as their two managers and the current _sajangnim_ , along with a representative of the Public Relations department, enter the meeting room. All the girls get up in sync, bowing at ninety degrees, surprised the current director is attending a meeting for once.

Seeing Lee Hoyeon’s wife3 in front of them only made her fears more real. Things had never been the same since the wife of their former _sajangnim_ had taken over and everyone in the agency knows it. Meetings with the CEO in charge are rare and few in between and her presence could only mean serious business.

The request for them to sit down again couldn’t come any quicker and she doesn’t even realize her legs are trembling until Woori puts a hand over them. Noeul doesn’t miss the look she and Jaekyung exchange but she closes her eyes, forcing herself to ignore it, to not blow out of proportion something as trivial as a glance.

“It has been a long time since we have been reunited like this,” she starts and Noeul clenches her hands together, willing her to go the point. _Don’t drag this, please. Don’t._

"I guess you are all wondering why you are here, right?" The woman continues, smiling briefly once she notices Seunga and Yoonhye nodding and the curious smile of Jisook. Noeul casts a quick look on her right to catch Jaekyung's expression but the older's expression is blank, showing nothing. Noeul knows the other has slipped into her leader role and is preparing herself to hold down the fort no matter what comes their way.

"I won't make you wait any longer. MBC is planning to launch a new reality show soon and there's a huge possibility one or two of you will be casted."

Oh. _Oh._

It feels like all the air present in the room is filling her lungs, choking her, strangling her, overpowering her and she resists the urge to put her head between her knees, refuses to show more weakness that she already has.

 _This is not the end_ is the only thing she's able to process as it rings again and again in her head. It's not over, they aren't over.

Oblivious to her, the sajangnim’s wife continues, a grimmer expression now set on her face. "I'm sure you're aware there are lots of candidates. Park Daehwan-ssi," she gestures to the slightly overweight beside her, his pepper and salt haircut in a clean cut around the ears making him look younger than he is, "still managed to secure you but one of you has to meet Lee Sangchul PD-nim and the MBC representatives..."

Everything comes to a stop in the room. From the corner of her eye, Noeul sees Yoonhye freeze in her seat, her hands tight on the armchair and she's sure most of them had similar reactions.

Meetings like these, with the producers and representatives, are never good news. None of them had ever experienced them, never had to as the company had always used its name and the names of its prior successful artists to get them to places, but they all knew what kind of things happened there. It was impossible not to know, impossible to ignore all the stories heard in the hallways of broadcast stations and the side-eyed glances some of the rookies — pretty, pretty rookies shining with youth, their bright eyes burning you and their too sweet smiles difficult to digest — had been given upon the favors they had been accorded so easily. Too easily.

But the Rainbow members aren't rookies. They haven't been in a long time and Noeul wonders which one of them is going to be one of _those_ idols — one with suspicion and rumors following her everywhere she goes, harsh words and even harsher looks haunting her in the silence of the night, when she is curled in her bed and wondering when and where she went wrong, the rest of the world going on without her, blind or ignorant to her suffering.

Noeul doesn't miss the pointed look the _sajangnim_ ’s wife and the representative exchange nor the glances their two managers throw at them, their usual smiling faces now closed off and serious. The silence is deafening and the tension is palpable, rising a little more for every second where no word is uttered.

“It’s an opportunity you won’t ever have again,” one of them breaks. Noeul is too lost in her thoughts to notice who, the words hitting her harder than she thought it was possible.

It’s now or never, she knows. The seven of them know it, had always known it. A group with no music show win in seven years should even grateful to still exist and they can’t throw this opportunity away.

Beggars can’t be choosers has never sounded truer and it’s a reality they have to accept.

A feeling akin to dread seizes her and she looks around the room, trying to catch the members’ eyes. Yoonhye’s eyes are wide, even bigger than usual, and Noeul would have cracked a smile if the situation wasn’t so stuffy. Seunga and Woori are looking at each other, deep frowns marking their foreheads, and Jaekyung’s face is still impassible, her pokerface difficult to read to anyone who doesn’t know her, but Noeul doesn’t miss the twitch of her upper lip. She skips over Jisook and Hyunyoung’s faces, too afraid of what she could find.

One of them has to do it. It’s the flat, cold truth. One of them has to and Noeul doesn’t want it to be any of the six women she considers as her own sisters. One of them has to do it and she doesn’t want to it be Hyunyoung, Jisook, Yoonhye, Seunga, Woori or Jaekyung who seems ready to assume her leader position.

The words slips past her lips before she can think them twice over.

"I will go."

 

-

 

"It's just a simple meeting, unnie," Yoonhye says, squeezing her hand tightly and breaking the heavy silence that had settled between them after they had been left alone in the room.

“Yeah,” the two youngests nod before Hyunyoung adds, her eyes shining with mischief, “You’re kind of old, anyway.” They shriek as Jaekyung, Woori and Seunga throw them dark glares, being older than Noeul by a year, and they step back, ready to run away all the while muttering under their breath how women reaching their thirties are scary.

Noeul scoffs inwardly, a look of fondness on her face as she’s grateful for what they are trying to do, as awkward as it is. She doesn’t know if they are trying to reassure her or themselves but she appreciates the gesture, appreciate the fact they’re trying. It doesn’t change anything, doesn’t make anything better even but Noeul wouldn’t have wanted them to react any other way.

Jaekyung slips away from the rest of the group, wrapping an arm around her waist and leaning her head against her shoulder, “Are you sure about this?” Jaekyung pauses, her hold on Noeul’s getting tighter before she continues, the softness of her voice quite a contrast with the tight embrace she’s being trapped in. “Never forget you can always say no.”

 _Beggars can’t be choosers_ is the only thing she hears instead, again and again.

She can’t choose to say “no”, not anymore, not even if she wanted to.

She’s a beggar, not a chooser.

She stays silent.

 

-

 

The first thing she notices upon entering the office are the two bottles of champagne disposed on a coffee table near the window wall overlooking the usually busy streets of Sangam-dong, now calm after the daily activities animating them are over.

They look excessively expensive, the foreign sounding words classily embossed in black calligraphy on the cream bottle labels making her feel even more out of place. She tugs at the fabric barely covering her pale thighs — a black dress made of silk and covered in sequins — missing the comfort and familiarity of her large jumpers and sweatpants.

Wearing a dress had made sense, as had been wearing more make-up than usual, but it didn't feel right. She didn't feel like herself in that old dress she had found in the back of her closet, couldn't recognize herself with that eyeliner too thick and that lipstick too red.

A voice greets her as she steps further into the office. "Noeul _yang_ 4, what a pleasure."

There's three of them, faces she has never seen before but names she will probably won't forget anytime soon. The one who greets her is tall, wearing a well-cut suit that is molded to his toned frame. He's probably in his late forties or early fifties, Noeul guesses, and he carries an air of confidence that takes her breath away for a moment.

They all introduce themselves as she takes place on one of the two black leather couches near the same glass-panelled wall that had caught her eyes when she had walked in. She nods at the right times, smile when she needs to, never introducing herself.

She doesn't need to, they know who she is. She should feel flattered, powerful even. She feels cornered instead and the tight grip she has on the glass of champagne they put in her hand is the only thing that reminds her that she's in control.

For now, at least.

The conversation flows well, better than what she had expected. A few laughs and polite conversation before business talk starts, making her relax, the leather molded to her back in a comfortable way.

The project is fully exposed to her by the show producer who is sitting next to her. It’s nothing new, just another reality program focused on dating after the cancellation of _We Got Married_ a few months prior. It has potential, she notices, as the explanations keep on coming. Celebrities living together in a mansion and going on dates based the result of games they will play are definitely going to please the curious and perverted minds of the avid netizens that are always wanting and wishing for more, more, _more_.

It has enough potential for her to stay and ignore the heavy hand that has been sitting on her bare thigh, the fabric of her dress riding too high for her to be at ease.

A few deep breaths and too much champagne are going to do the trick. She hopes it will.

It seems to be enough as hours pass and nothing happens. They seem to be perfect gentlemen but Noeul doesn't buy it. There's a dark glint in their eyes every time they look at her, something sinister lurking in the shadows of that room.

Noeul calms herself down, laughs a little too loudly, not always at the right time anymore. It seems to amuse them as they look at her with what could be mistaken for fondness but isn't.

It's almost funny how despite being on edge all night, she hadn't seen it coming. She doesn't even register what's happening at first, not until she feels another man next to her and another hand on her thigh, that one more daring. It's the executive director, the same man who had taken her breath away when she had entered his office.

He's taking her breath away once again now but it’s not as pleasant, the shock and surprise on her face impossible to miss as he starts kissing her neck.

She wonders if her imagination isn't playing tricks on her. She has been so tense all night, that maybe, she's finally snapping and making a mountain out of a molehill. Maybe, it’s just a dream.

But she knows that if she was dreaming, it wouldn’t be of this.

It wouldn’t be of this nightmare happening next to her as he slowly unzips his pants, freeing an erection she hadn't even noticed. It's there, curving against his stomach, an angry red that contrasts with the pristine white of his shirt.

Her face is flushed red, too. From the drinks, shame or both, she doesn't know.

"Pretty, pretty Noeul. I have been waiting for this all night."

A whimper slips past her lips as the words echoes in the now silent office, the polite chit-chat having died down so naturally Noeul knows it's neither the first or the last time this will happen for the three men.

Noeul doesn't move, her gaze glued on the floor, looking at anything but their eyes. It can't be happening, it can't be happening, it can't be happening.

Time seems to have stopped, no one moving nor talking, her erratic breath breaking the oppressive silence of the room.

Her eyes haven't left the floor and she doesn't want to look up, doesn't want to meet their eyes that she knows are on her. Tears are starting to pool in hers but she doesn't feel them burning, too focused on not letting them fall. She doesn't feel anything, not the blunt pain coming from her nails piercing the skin of her palms, not the stiffness in her legs.

Why are there tears in her eyes, even? She isn't crying. She has just stared too much, for too long. It's not crying. It's not.

She's just under hypnosis, unable to look at them even as her eyes get so watery she can't see what's in front of her anymore.

Then again, maybe it's for better, she thinks, her blurry vision preventing her from seeing his erection near her lips as he pushes her head down. She doesn’t see it but she feels it, poking her cheek and precum smearing against it.

Her face jerks away, almost on instinct but she can’t move away, not with the vice grip he has on her hair, harshly tugging on it in hope to make her open her mouth.

She doesn’t want to but it has never been about what she wanted, she realizes. It would probably never be.

" _Suck._ "

He doesn't have to say it twice.

 

-

 

The water cascading down her back and pooling at her feet is cold, freezing even. In the back of her mind, Noeul wonders how the water can still feel so good against her skin, feeling like both relief and deliverance. but anything is better than the phantom feeling of their hands on her body.

She barely recalls how and when she had gotten home, doesn’t want to remember the stares she had gotten from the early risers she had met on her way, their eyes judgemental and unforgiving.

She had wanted to laugh in their faces, but laughing, even bitterly, had been too difficult. She had waited, again and again, for that sparkle of recognition to ignite in their eyes, more desperate for it than ever. It had never happened, not once.

She is not Noeul of Rainbow for them. No, she is just another whore to stare down and judge.

And maybe, she is. Hadn't she wanted to go? She had. She had wanted to go, hadn't said no to them either and as twisted as it is, if she had to do it again, she would.

She would, for the six girls who are counting on her, for her team, for them to shine a bit longer. There's no rainbow without sunshine but there's no rainbow without a little bit of rain either.

She scrubs her skin again in a vain effort to make it all disappear. Nothing changes, nothing except the color of her skin — now an angry red, the same one that cock was.

It just makes her scrub harder. Her arms first, where they had hold her to make sure she wouldn't move. Her chest then, breasts now tender and sore. Between her thighs, finally, where it hurts the most (along with her heart but there's no solution for that pain, there won't ever be one).

She rubs until her skin is so red she’s under the impression it’s now a dark brown hue. She stays under the shower jet until her skin turns blue. Red and blue, the irony isn’t lost on her5.

There's a deep satisfaction inside her though, as the pale skin they had praised and called beautiful is now nothing like the porcelain they had compared it to.

It’s not much, but it’s enough for her to make her turn the water off and step out of the shower stall. Water pools around her feet, dripping off her body and onto the white tiles but she doesn’t care, feet leaving wet footprints on the wooden floor of her apartment as she drags herself out of the bathroom.

The view awaiting her as she nears her bedroom doesn’t surprise her but still makes her stop at the threshold of the room. Jaekyung is fast asleep, comfortably nestled under the covers.

There’s a flash of envy in her eyes as Noeul observes how peaceful her face looks. She wonders if she will ever be able to sleep peacefully ever again, if she will ever be able to rest at all.

She quietly walks towards the unoccupied side of her bed, settling herself under the covers and pulling them up over her legs. They feel rugged against her bare skin but she likes it, likes that she doesn’t feel their hands on her skin for a fleeting moment.

“How did it go?” Jaekyung mumbles, her eyes closed and her voice hoarse with sleep. “Did something happen?” She asks again, more pressing this time as Noeul stays silent.

Jaekyung still hasn’t opened her eyes and Noeul wonders how she would react at her nudity if she did. She probably wouldn’t react at all, too used to it after years of living together and boundaries long forgotten. There’s nothing alarming in the situation.

Almost nothing.

But then again, Noeul isn’t sure she wants Jaekyung to react, to worry, to know. Jaekyung already worries, worries enough to use the password Noeul had given her for emergencies, even falling asleep after waiting for her all night.

Her decision is made before she even has time to register it.

“No, nothing happened. We just talked.” Her voice doesn’t waver, not even once. “It was _fun._ ”

“Good,” Jaekyung whispers, moving closer to her and wrapping an arm around her waist. Noeul just hums, not bothering with an answer. There’s nothing to say, anyway.

She couldn’t talk even if she tried, not as tears are running down her face and making her choke on air, not when she has just flinched at the touch of her closest friend and it finally hits her that nothing in her life will ever be the same.

 

-

 

Her phone rings and the déjà-vu of the situation leaves a bitter taste in her mouth. A few days ago, hearing that ringtone had been everything she had ever wanted. A few days ago, she wouldn’t have thought twice about picking up.

But this time, there’s no rush to get the call. Noeul doesn’t move, letting it ring and counting the seconds it takes for her phone to fall silent.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen seconds. Isn’t it funny how your life can change in thirteen seconds? A gesture of simple as getting a call can change your life forever, erasing all you knew and all you were. Purely fascinating.

She's lying on her bed, the same covers as the ones she'd used that night pooling around her waist, her hands behind her head as her eyes fixate on the ceiling. It’s captivating, how the white spot she has been staring at for hours doesn’t seem white anymore, but an ugly grey instead.

The more you look, the more imperfections you see and she wonders if someone will ever look at her long enough to see all the cracks behind her doll face.

A quick glance at her phone confirms what she already knows and a sigh escapes her lips, knowing she won’t be able to escape them forever. The light of the phone screen hurts her eyes as she stares with blank eyes at the six calls that she has missed. Deliberately missed, but missed nonetheless.

Isn’t seven supposed to be a lucky number? She hopes it is, as she grabs her phone and finally picks up the upcoming call. She’s in a dire need of luck but then again, is what she needs even important?

“What in hell were you doing?” Her manager sneers, a rhetorical question that he doesn't think is worth an answer, and he goes on, his words now missing the bite that was present in his tone a few seconds ago. "Anyway, I have a great news. We got the MBC deal."

 _I_ got the deal, almost slips past her lips but she bites hard on her lower lip to stop them from tumbling out. Being petty won't change anything and the last thing she actually wants is credits for her actions that night.

"Did we?" is what she says instead, voice calm but laced with contempt and a detachment he probably doesn't even hear, too focused on his next words or something that isn't her.

"Yeah, they're taking two members. Woori and Jisook are starting the filming next week." She turns him off, his voice in the background as she's left with her thoughts.

Woori and Jisook. Of course. It had to be expected, with the small popularity both had gained the previous year. Woori's small acting gig in _Flower of the Queen_ had paid off, getting her some recognition. The same could be said for Jisook and her fixed appearances on radio shows and _Entertainment Weekly._

They would be stupid to not use them, she knows. Sending her would have been stupid. It's their last chance and there's no room for errors.

The small hope she had deep inside her hasn't disappeared yet but it will. Noeul just feels relieved it isn't turning into a green monster she's not sure she could handle. There's no place for that in their team, never has been, and both Woori and Jisook have more than enough on their plates, carrying Rainbow's fate on their shoulders.

"That's great." She manages to utter, a little bit of genuine enthusiasm in her tone as she imagines the happiness of her friends' faces at the news.

It's not much and apparently, not enough for her manager. "Aren't you happy? You should be!"

"I am." She swallows back the bile rising in her throat and a few words as bitter along with it. "Of course, I am."

She will tell it to whoever wants to hear it, again and again. She will tell it until she believes it.

Her manager hums. "You should be proud of you. We hoped for a member but they agreed on two. It's a miracle! Good job, Noeullie."

_Good job._

Noeul wants to scream at him until her throat is raw, wants to yell at him until he justifies what's good about laying on her back and opening her legs when she has trained for years to be so much more than that, to never have to go that far.

She doesn't.

She runs away instead, dropping her phone on the ground without bothering to end a conversation she hadn't wanted to begin. She runs in her bathroom where she doesn't swallow back this time and let it all go.

It's bitter, the taste of her bile in her mouth. It's bitter but not as much as the pain in her heart.

 

-

 

The show starts airing before she even realizes it. It has only been a month, six weeks at most but time goes by slowly in her golden cage, almost as if it has stopped.

The same cage she has so desperately wanted to break free of is now her shelter from the outside world and from a reality she wants to forget. It works for awhile — ignoring everything that isn’t happening in her bubble, but Noeul isn’t a fool and knows no one escapes reality for long.

It always catches up to you. Always.

The airing of that show, _House of Romance_ , is exactly that, as she finally has to accept that what happened isn't a dream. She couldn't even if she tried because the show is a materialisation of that night and all the nightmares that haunted her and still continue to do so.

It's a fun show, she remembers Jisook telling her once, as they went out for coffee during one of the younger's recording break. She had enjoyed listening to all her stories about the idols and the actors both her and Woori had been rooming with, had been glad to know that something good — even something as trivial as her girls getting acquainted with more people in this industry and making new friends — could come out of this program.

This had been enough to chase the nightmares for a night or two and as twisted as it was, the right push to make her want to watch the show.

It's fun, indeed. She watches it with a weird fascination, captivated by the new friendships forming and the love-lines that are blooming almost in real time. The public loves it too, the non-scripted policy of the show and the freshness of the cast doing wonders.

Noeul also understands why the company picked Woori and Jisook over the rest, over her as she follows with the show with a bizarre interest. All of Jisook's talents are exposed, impressing netizens, and Woori's down-to-heart personality and playful yet sexy demeanor is surprisingly a hit.

It's nothing new, she thinks bitterly. They always have been great girls, just unfortunate ones who had never had an opportunity to broadcast their charms.

Better late than never, at least.

It seems that the netizens agree as the whole country goes into a Rainbow frenzy. It takes them by surprise, as they hadn’t been expecting it. _Why would it be different this time? What do they have now that they hadn’t before?_

It starts with countless demands for radio gigs, interviews and variety shows guestings for Jisook and Woori at first, then two or three members and finally all of them as their old songs are being brought back on the charts reaching positions in them they had only dreamed of.

It's also more than what the company had ever hoped for they give them the green light for a new mini-album, breaking an eleven months hiatus that otherwise would have probably ended with their contracts’ expiration.

It ends up being more successful than all the albums they had ever released and Noeul doesn’t really understand why. The recording had been chaotic, wrapped up in three days and little sleep and the concept isn’t anything original.

They are shining bright, brighter than they ever have and when they reach their peak — a number 1 win that had been the source all their dreams and tears over the last seven years — Noeul is flabbergasted.

Everything feels surreal — the multicolored confetti raining down on them, the deafening screams coming from fans shaking their slogans and the heavy weight of that trophy that reaches her hands after being passed down.

From the corner of her eye, she can see Yoonhye and Seunga crying their hearts out, their chests heaving from the force of their sobs. Jisook and Hyunyoung are grinning brightly despite the tears running down their faces while Woori is wiping hers, turning her back to the crowd in a vain attempt to hide. Jaekyung is trying her best to thank everyone that has ever supported them, smiling through her tears.

They are all crying but her own eyes are dry as she blankly stares in front of her.

She’s happy, she swears she is, as they all gather to hug and the smile on Jaekyung’s face is so radiant it even makes her heart skips a beat. Their happiness is worth everything to Noeul, worth more than her own.

It’s worth everything, including the blunt pain of her nails sinking into her palms as she clenches her fists at the burning stares she can feel on them from the artists behind them. She knows what they think, knows they’re wondering how it could have happened and what or who they have done to get there, some probably even holding bets.

They are now fresh prey, ready to be torn apart by the vultures around them at the first sign of weakness they will show. She won’t crack, she reassures herself, ignoring the dread pooling in the bottom of her stomach.

She did what she had to do in order to allow them to have a future together and their opinions and judgements aren’t going to change anything — not that night, not that win.

Noeul realizes that it's useless, caring about them.

They don't matter, only Rainbow does and as Jaekyung wraps her arms around her in a bonecrushing hug, she's finally able to smile — ignoring that her eyes are still dry, that the dread is still there and ready to overcome the happiness she's feeling at any moment.

No one and nothing is going to ruin their moment, not even her.

 

-

 

When the company suggests she should meet _them_ again to thank them, Noeul is aware that she can’t refuse.

Rainbow might be standing now but they can’t forget the ones who have helped the beggars to get on their feet again. She might not be a beggar anymore, she notices, but she’s not a chooser either.

Everything reminds her of that night as she steps out of the lift, the twentieth floor denied of life except for the three men she knows are in the same office, waiting for her.

It's the rich businessman, Park something as his name escapes her, who greets her this time. "Still lovely as ever, Noeul _yang_." The formal honorific grates on her nerves as they all know why she is here but she says nothing, bowing low and walking past him, aware of his eyes trailing down her body, undressing her in his mind.

He had barely touched her that night, as if he had known his turn would come sooner or later. He had been a spectator and she remembers the look he had given her, his dark eyes blown with lust, as he had jerked himself off to a view of her naked and on her knees.

He won't be only watching this time, she figures as he follows her in the room and pulls her on his lap after sitting down. His touch is rough on her hips, one hand holding her still while he tries to unbutton her jeans with the other one, an annoyed growl leaving his mouth at her little act of defiance.

She's going to let them use her but it isn't going to be easy and she bites on her lower lip as he struggles with the button, the laugh threatening to slip past her lips never making it as he pushes her pants down roughly and she's left gasping in shock at the fingers — two or three, she doesn't know, doesn't want to know — he slides in her without warning, her underwear pushed aside.

“Pussies are an exquisite gift.” He groans behind her, adding another finger. They all laugh at the little whine that escapes her, mistaking it for pleasure and her face grows red as she remembers they’re not alone, the two other men she had forgotten about are watching them. “Did you enjoy my little gift too, doll face? I spent quite a lot of money on your album and your little trophy, you know…” He groans against her neck and she simply hums, not trusting her voice nor the words that could escape her as her eyes close.

Flashes of red pop behind her eyelids as he so easily puts down everything she had ever worked for. He might be her sponsor now, and by default theirs, but he's still nothing more than despicable man in the end.

The lack of response doesn't seem to deter him and he continues, his fingers pushing her in so roughly she can't stop wincing, "That's an expensive pussy you have there, doll face. Aren't you proud of it?"

She grits her teeth, scraping her nails on his thighs to release the inner frustration she feels at his words. Stay silent if you have nothing to say, stay silent she does.

He chuckles at her gesture, buckles against her even, his erection pressing heavily against her. "Our pussy is a wild little thing, gentlemen. I think it's time to tame her." The two men laughs again, their booming laughs making her shudder and she prays for mercy as they stand up and move towards them, matching predatory grins making them look like the monsters they really are.

The rest of the night is a blur of sex and the disgusting words they whisper into her ears while they are on top of her — words about how tight she is, how pretty she is and how much prettier she looks with their cocks shoved deep inside her, how proud she would make her agency and members if she continued being a sweet little doll.

A sweet doll is the last thing she is as she stares at her reflection in the glass of the coffee table, her hands holding it tightly. She grimaces at what she sees — lips red and puffy, dark brown hair mated to her forehead and darker eyes unfocused and wide in pleasure.

She's a complete wreck, her hold on the table slipping as a hard thrust makes her tremble and gasp. She's burning, feeling so hot that even the cold glass of the table against her face doesn't bring her any relief and she doesn't even resist the hold on her head against it.

"Snort, doll face," One of them whispers, his cold lips against her temple as he makes two perfect lines right her nose, his exclusive credit card stained by white powder. "Let it all go," he adds, plugging a nostril for her as she doesn't, not leaving her any choice.

Let it all go, she does, and she snorts and cums at once, finding herself lost in a maze of sensations so mind-blowing she decides she wouldn't mind if she had to be trapped in forever.

She doesn’t know it, but it's that exact moment that marks the beginning of her downfall.

 

-

 

More opportunities come their way during the next few months.

They are probably one of few idol groups who enjoy having their agendas filled so many schedules, Noeul guesses as joy lights up on the girls' faces every time their managers let them know they have been booked for a new tv show or radio appearances. Some of them are even overbooked, as Woori, Seunga and Hyunyoung get important roles in drama and film respectively and Jaekyung is offered the opportunity to collaborate on a fashion line with a well-known clothing brand.

They never complain, never think twice about accepting an offer despite being tired, too grateful to their second chance they have been given. Exhaustion is a small price to pay for the popularity they have earned.

Their dedication makes Noeul work harder too and her regular schedule with the girls is done, she doesn't go home, instead spending most of her evenings with influential men, in meetings that end with her either on her knees or on her back but always with new contracts coming their way.

She hadn't planned to go back, had never wanted to do that again but it hadn't taken her long to realize that winning a few mutizens and being on top of the charts wasn't as extraordinary as she thought it would be. It had happened to many before them and would happen to many afterwards.

Rainbow is finally popular but they aren't the only ones.

A career in this industry means an endless fight for survival against rookies and less fortunate bands ready to take their place at the first mishap, against equally as popular bands not willing to share their spotlight.

Only few can survive but Noeul is determined and willing to do anything for Rainbow to be one of them.

The countless escapades she has are proof of that. She stops counting them after awhile as she's being passed down and shared as a vulgar rag doll. The sweet little doll is nothing more than a used toy now but still one good enough for them to play with.

She stops trying to remember their names or their faces because there's no use in remembering names she won't moan or faces she won’t ever find beauty in.

She knows them though. Memorizing their kinks would be an effective ways to please them, she had thought once, and she hadn't been wrong. She had learnt what to do and how to act depending on being with the one who likes spanking her or the one who likes ejaculating on her face, wiping it all over her cheeks and lips with his cock.

They had given her the role of a whore, she has taught herself how to be the best.

But Noeul hasn't taught herself how to protect herself.

In the midst of these meetings she has convinced herself she hates, she doesn't realize that it starts becoming less and less about the deals she can get out of them but more and more about the pleasure and the feeling of being alive, as drugs pump into her veins and orgasms set on fire beautiful rainbow-colored fireworks behind her eyelids.

She's in too deep, and the lines keep getting blurred until there's no line left and she is left in a constant state of bliss, unsure of the reason — the girls, the drugs or the sex.

She's too far gone and the wake-up call is nowhere in sight, not even after she messes up during one of their live performances, stopping dancing before the music stops, freezing on stage while the girls act as if nothing is wrong.

No one misses the concerned glances they send her though, their brows furrowed and eyes wide in worry nor the _"You're ok?"_ Jaekyung quickly mouths at her.

No one, except her.

 

-

 

A moan escapes her lips as the cold air coming through the opened windows of her bedroom caresses her bare skin.

It feels good, so good, soothing the burn inside her and leaving her shivering on the same dark blue covers as the ones from all those months ago.

They rub against her body in the most exquisite way as she convulses on her bed, her body torn between arching up or down in a need to get more of the wind embracing her, more of the sheets friction ticking her, more.

Her room feels unfamiliar to her now as do what she's going through. Noeul isn't used to spend the night alone, not used to have no one to share her euphoria with and she stares at the small, translucide bag dangling from her fingertips with an awed grin on her lips.

It's the nicest gift she has gotten recently, one even better than the multiple orgasms they had given her after Rainbow had placed all the songs of their full album — the first one in three years, the second in seven — on the top 20.

It feels so good to be taken care of, so good to feel alive, to not be little useless Noeul anymore.

She has a purpose now. Singing and dancing have always been her choices but that doesn't mean it is her destiny. What a shitty destiny it would be then with that career of seven years but barely three minutes of singing.

After all, it is difficult to shine when you have six other bright colors by your side but she finally gets it now. Her fate has never been to shine on her own, no, it was to make the whole rainbow shine brighter and she loves it.

She embraces it, the mission that has been given to her and she gives it all she has. It's not so much for the girls anymore but for herself, for the satisfaction she gets at being useful and the rewards they give her for being such a good girl.

She loves the rewards, loves the colors bursting in her mind as her walls clench around their cocks, her orgasm in sync with the fast rhythm that coke is having her heart beat to.

And tonight she misses it, the symphony that her body has been playing almost every night but it's okay. It's okay because if she closes her eyes and concentrates hard enough, she can feel them — on top of her, under her, inside her and when she pushes two fingers inside her, she laughs until her throat hurt at the wetness she finds between her thighs.

She laughs until she comes and falls asleep, trapping herself in a dream where she’s on top of the world.

 

-

 

Noeul feels on top of the world in her dreams and in the arms of the men who fuck in the shadows but Kim Taeyeon is the real queen of the entertainment world.

No one had been surprised by the announce of her solo career following Girls' Generation's disbandment in late 2015. Everyone had seen it coming, especially Noeul. Growing up with Taeyeon, she had always known her friend would be a star, and she hadn't been wrong. Taeyeon has that aura around her, difficult to understand and even more complex to explain and as they're sitting together in a waiting room twice as big as the one Rainbow has gotten for its seven members, Noeul realizes the power that her friend holds.

"Your fans are really something," she points out, a chuckle leaving her lips and she leans back in her chair. Promoting at the same time hasn’t happened in years and it’s an odd yet pleasant feeling to be able to play catch-up at work. "An all-kill with perfect scores on your first week of release, that’s crazy." Taeyeon’s success has always amazed her, making her proud to have a friend who did better in life that what she could ever do.

Taeyeon shrugs, a small nod of acknowledgement being her only reaction. Noeul knows her friend isn't ungrateful, has never been despite her success but today, it rubs her the wrong way and she forces herself to not call her out on her reaction, hiding her trembling hands behind her back.

Taeyeon notices it though. She always does. "Are you alright? You seem so..." She doesn't finish her phrase but the message is clear and this time, she doesn't stop herself.

"So what?" She asks back, an eyebrow raised in what could be interpreted as a sign of provocation. The sigh that escapes her friend's mouth triggers her further but she forces herself to stay calm.

"Tell me what's wrong," Taeyeon tries again, her collected face now contorted in worry and Noeul just wants to scream but shakes her head instead. “Nothing. I’m just tired. This,” she gestures towards the opened door where they can both see the chaos that happens backstage, “is really tiring. I’m almost missing the times where we weren’t so popular, you know?”

She doesn’t. She wouldn’t ever go back to that dull grey life where her biggest accomplishment had been to debut, unaware of the struggles that she would meet for the next seven years.

Why would she want to return to it? A mediocre life, when the reality she's living in right now is barely as satisfying as it is, days full of recordings of either mediocre songs the public will still love because it's Rainbow's or schedules she has no will to attend but does for the sake of her members and only nights making it all worth it.

She doesn’t, but Taeyeon doesn’t need to know it. It wouldn’t even make sense to her anyway and maybe, just maybe, this is what makes Noeul keep her mouth shut (and not the fact that whatever she’s doing can’t be told, can’t be discovered, can’t end).

Taeyeon hums but doesn’t seem ready to let it go. “I will be here if you want to talk.”

“You wouldn’t even understand anyway.” It’s out before she even has time to process it and she stares at her friend with wide eyes, frozen with shock. Taeyeon doesn’t seem surprised by her outburst, looking at her straight in the eyes. “Try me.”

It is all it takes for her to snap.[not sure about the grammar here, but it’s maybe?]

“What do you know about never being good enough, Taeyeon-ah? To have everyone smile in front of you to tear you apart behind your back because no matter what you do you will always be cheap? What do you fucking know about being part of a group that is going nowhere, Taeyeon?” She is shaking, the words come out of her mouth so quickly that Taeyeon has trouble understanding them. Noeul wants to break something at the sight of her friend’s face, that is set in a pokerface she has seen Taeyeon show to people so many times before but never her. “You don’t know. You never had to do what I had to do to get there, to get us there.”

She stands up, ready to leave but as she reaches the threshold of the room, she turns back, a sad smile gracing her lips. “I’m sorry, Taeyeon-ah. Just…” It’s not a goodbye but it feels like it and she looks down at the ground, “keep on closing your eyes and continue to live in what you think is reality if you don’t want to get hurt.”

And as she leaves to attend another recording, she misses the look on Taeyeon’s face and the pokerface she had on crumbling down.

 

-

 

The alarm is pulled when she misses a recording, not informing anyone and leaving them either worried or furious but all wondering what's happening to her — for her to not be there, for her to act like this.

It’s the first time she doesn’t show up for a recording and she’s surprised it hasn’t happened earlier, now that managers had left them more freedom after moving out and that Jaekyung had stopped waiting for her in front of her door, too busy and tired to even sleep at her own place most of the time.

Noeul had planned to go, had been ready to leave her apartment but the view of that little bag of powdered heaven had made her stop in her tracks. The temptation had been too strong, as had her will to escape her life for a few hours of drug-induced euphoria.

The cocaine had quickly entered her bloodstream and traveled to her brain, leaving her writhing on her bed as the shivers and the familiar burn had taken over her body in a matter of minutes.

The high is so strong she's left unable to move, messily wiping her nose with her sleeve in a rare moment of lucidity. The constant light that her phone screen emits makes her giggle, her hands reaching up to catch it but never managing to.

The ringtone pulses through her ears in her head, the beat so annoying that she pushes the phone to the ground in a violent move and she claps her hands in glee as it shatters against the wall, the room finally plunged into a delectable silence.

Her room doesn't stay silent for long, the sound that her keypad makes as someone enters her password ringing loudly in her apartment and she groans at the noise she hears even if Jaekyung’s voice as she calls her name, her tone filled with a delicate hint of love and tenderness behind the worry, sounds magical in her opinion.

Her touch is also all kinds of extraordinary as Jaekyung grabs her face between her palms, climbing on Noeul's bed. Her hands are so cold and feels so good that Noeul leans into her hold. "What's happening? Are you sick? We were all so worried."

She shakes her head, tries to at least but Jaekyung's hold doesn't leave a lot of room for movement. "No," she answers, dragging the sound, a pout on her face as Jaekyung's hands leave her face. Touch me, she wants to tell her, touch me like they do but the words don’t come out.

But Jaekyung doesn't leave and drags Noeul's body closer to hers instead, burying her face in her hair, "What's going on? Is it stress from all our schedules? Tell us." As an afterthought, she quickly corrects herself, "Tell _me_ , at least."

But Noeul doesn't tell her and whines low in her throat, trying to free herself from an embrace that is suffocating her.

She resorts to screaming when she doesn't succeed, fists flying in every direction and not realizing that Jaekyung has released her hold on her and is staring at her with an unreadable expression on her face.

She breaks into a giggle fit as she manages to crawl away, wobbling once she reaches the edge of the bed. She turns her head to look at Jaekyung, an idiotic smile appearing on her lips before she lets herself fall off the bed, laughing hysterically for minutes afterwards.

She doesn’t stop cackling, not when Jaekyung struggles to get her back on the bed, not when her eyes flutter open and all she can see are the tears swimming in Jaekyung’s.

But as she closes her eyes once again and finds her falling asleep, she can swear a tear runs down on her face.

 

-

 

Noeul hates waking up. There's something about sleeping, about being trapped in a place where she can be anything she wants that is captivating to her. Dreams are comforting, the best hiding place of them all and she realizes, blinking as sunlight hit her face, dreams are an amazing place to be in.

Back when she was a white bird in her cage, sleeping had been a sweet distraction, but one leaving a bitter aftertaste in her mouth, when every morning, she had opened her eyes to a world still bland, where she was still _her._

But waking up feels downright terrible now. It's funny, she thinks, because it should have been different now that her life is everything she had ever wanted, ever dreamed of. Dreams shouldn't be something she needs to find comfort in anymore, not as the ache inside her should’ve been mended by what seems an ideal life.

She should love her life. She doesn’t.

That’s the irony of it all, that the reality she lives isn’t as sweet as she thought it would be. She’s on top of the industry but she’s still not existing, not even with the extra fifteen seconds part she has earned per song and appearing on tv more in six months than in seven years.

The girl who sings sugar-coated lyrics about love and friendship while making cute hearts with her hands and smiling brightly isn’t her. It’s what she does but it isn’t her. It’s not what she wants either.

She wants fireworks and a burn that takes her breath away forever. She wants to be the queen of her own world.

But today again, it seems that what she wants doesn’t matter because she’s not in her favorite place, not in that bubble of bright lights and brighter feelings.

She’s in her bed, back on earth after having touched the stars and there’s nothing she can do but rub the sleep out of her eyes and wait for her next trip again.

It wouldn’t be now, couldn’t be as Jaekyung is sleeping next to her and the weight of her arm on Noeul’s stomach is reminiscing Noeul of the dread sitting there, as heavy and suffocating.

Months ago, she would have waited for Jaekyung to wake up, wouldn’t have moved despite that ich of restlessness tickling her spine and tempting her into getting up. Months ago, she would have stayed in hed.

But everything is different now and she gets out of bed, not caring about pushing Jaekyung’s arm away from her or the noise she’s making as she shoots into her phone and watches at it disappears under her bed, satisfaction flashing in her eyes for a fleeting moment.

If only everything could disappear just as easily, she thinks for a moment as she pushes open the door of her bathroom. If only.

 

-

 

She doesn’t know what she had expected upon coming back to her bedroom but it isn’t this, it isn’t Jaekyung waiting for her, sitting on her bed with her usual easy-going smile wiped off her face and her arms hugging her knees to her chest.

“What’s this?” Jaekyung asks, breaking the silence that has settled between them. Silences between them never used to be uncomfortable. This one isn’t either. it’s more than that, she realizes, the grip she has on her towel tightening to protect herself from a gaze who is stripping her from her defenses in a desperate attempt to seek answers.

“What are you talking about?” She answers, careful to keep the blank mask she has on in place.

Jaekyung sneers at her. It’s an ugly sound but it doesn’t register in her head, not as her eyes are fixated on the bag dangling from Jaekyung’s fingers and everything around her seems to stop.

Crashing and burning are intense feelings, she supposes, and many people would probably think they’re akin to a high as it hits you right in the guts and leaves you breathless, your lungs burning for air and a dose of relief.

Noeul doesn't agree. Highs never leave you with that feeling of helplessness and knocked out on the ground, wondering when or if you will be able to just stand again, the top of the world too far from your reach.

Crashing does and it's so painful, so overwhelming that she closes her eyes and prays for everything to be a dream.

But she opens them again and Jaekyung is still there, lips pursued together and eyes unblinking and there's no other choice but step out of her bubble and enter this perpetual nightmare called reality.

"Tell me it's not what I think it is, Noeul-ah." But Noeul stays silent because it is. They both know it and if Jaekyung wants reality, Noeul will give her that.

Jaekyung doesn't like it, reality, as her fingers clenches the tiny bag still in her hands and red nails dig into the plastic, ripping it open.

Noeul supposes so as she watches Jaekyung getting up and walking towards her with a myriad of emotions swimming in her eyes that Noeul has never seen before.

"Tell me. Tell me it isn't." Jaekyung asks again and Noeul feels shame rising in her — not because she can't but because she doesn't want to, doesn’t want to deny what isn’t a mistake for her in the first place.

And as Jaekyung comes closer and drops the bag on the ground to hold her face, resting her forehead on hers, Noeul bites on her bottom lip to swallow apologies she doesn't really mean. "Tell me, Noeul. _Please,_ tell me."

Noeul doesn't know what makes her snap, if it's the hope in her tone as Jaekyung pleads or the way her thumbs are caressing her cheeks, so delicately with that hint of love and worry as if nothing had changed.

Everything has.

"Don't do this." Noeul tries to step back but Jaekyung doesn't let go and Noeul lets out a bark of laughter that makes Jaekyung's eyes widen. "You don't have the right to do this. You don't have the right to care. It's too late."

Jaekyung freezes but doesn't step back and Noeul hates it, hates the fact that Jaekyung's eyes are full of pity.

Noeul doesn't need it, doesn't want it and she pushes her shoulders away causing Jaekyung to stagger backwards. "Don't look at me like that, _unnie_." The word feels so off on her tongue and it's funny, how she doesn't forget her manners even as all she wants is scream and flip everything over. "I'm not a monster, I'm not."

She probably is, in what they call reality, but their reality stopped being hers a long time ago.

She goes on, triggered by the lack of words coming out of Jaekyung’s mouth. “I did it for you, you know. I did it for you all.” She ignores the shock on the other’s face, the way her brows furrows as they usually do when she’s lost, “You remember that meeting I went to all those months ago, unnie? It all started there. The drug,” she gestures to the bag at their feet, “the sex, too.”

“What are you—” but she doesn’t let Jaekyung speak, she can’t. She needs to let it out, all of this.

“I didn’t want to at first. I mean, you’re not sleeping with anyone in years and then, there’s all these men fucking you and it’s strange and dirty,” She’s babbling but Jaekyung doesn’t interrupt her and she’s torn between feeling grateful and frustrated, “because they don’t know you, don’t like you but then… It starts feeling amazing as they all fuck you, moaning about how pretty you are and how good you feel. I liked being… something, being more the the seventh member no one cares about because she’s invisible, I—”

Jaekyung shakes her head, tears streaming down her face. “I care.” She chokes out and Noeul chuckles but it’s not a pleasant sound.

“I know you do,” It’s true, she knows but she’s also quick to notice that while Jaekyung had quickly jumped in to reassure her about being cared for, nothing had been said about her being dead weight. “But it’s not enough. I stopped being useless, unnie. I stopped being that girl who can’t sing or dance because I feel invincible.” She takes a deep breath, nodding to herself once. “I feel invincible, yeah.”

“You can sing,” Jaekyung tries again and Noeul sneers.

“What’s the point? Even if I can, when are they going to let me? Even fucking our way to the top hasn’t given me lines in songs! This is the best I will ever get! For me, at least.” She takes a step forward, pondering about getting even closer but staying where she is. “For you— For you, I do everything I can, too.”

“We—” Jaekyung steps forward, stopping right in front of her and taking her by the shoulders. Noeul notices her hands are trembling but she doesn’t say anything. It doesn’t feel right to. “We never asked you to do it. Fuck, you shouldn’t have done it!”

Noeul blinks at the curse that just escaped Jaekyung’s mouth. Jaekyung never swears. “Someone had to, unnie.”

“Not you,” Jaekyung says, “Not you. Why didn’t you let me go, Noeul? Why?”

Noeul shakes her head and she’s surprised that Jaekyung even asks as the answer is obvious. “You’re better than that.”

“So are you,” Jaekyung whispers, pushing their foreheads together again as she repeats it again. “But it’s going to be alright.”

Noeul just hums, not believing it in the slightest. “Say it again.”

Jaekyung does. It still doesn’t feel right as it rings and echoes in Noeul's ears.

But it doesn't feel wrong either. Probably, she guesses, because there's some truth to it even if the concept of what alright means is blurry and differs from person to person, differs from Jaekyung to Noeul.

One wants the sweet doll back, the other loves the rag doll better.

There's no place for both.

 

-

 

"Do you think you can do this?"

Noeul resists the urge to snigger but just purses her lips and nods. Jaekyung has taken to treating her as an invalid unable to do anything by herself since that morning two weeks ago and it's driving her crazy. Noeul had been expecting her on her doorstep this morning and she hadn’t been wrong. It could have been touching, had been a few months prior but now, it was borderline frustrating.

They're having their first recording as a group since the one she didn't attend and Noeul asks herself why she's even going to this one as she has nothing to record. The lyrics sheet had been sitting on her nightstand for the past week, a mere line circled in red.

“Singing five words in tune doesn’t look too complicated, yeah,” She jokes, but the words come out flat and biting. She doesn't regret them, even as Jaekyung's face grows red.

“That’s not what I meant,” Jaekyung stammers but Noeul just shrugs and pushes the recording room door open, clearly showing her that she’s dismissing the conversation.

There’s no time for Jaekyung to play the hero and Noeul is in no need to be saved. She’s a grown woman, one who makes and owns up to her decisions. She’s not going to fall apart, not when she has been careful to hold herself together all this time and Jaekyung is going to have to accept that.

The atmosphere is relaxed when she walks in. Seunga is going over the lyrics, not looking up from the sheet lying on her lap, and Yoonhye is in the recording booth, her brows in concentration as she nods at directions the producers give her. Woori is leaning back on the couch, legs under her as she bobs her head to the music and both Jisook and Hyunyoung are talking together in hushed tones, only falling silent as they notices Noeul standing there.

“Unnie, you’re here!” Jisook beams at her and Noeul grins back, the tense feeling in her shoulders slipping away. They aren’t angry. Noeul had doubted they would be but the little voice at the back of her mind hadn’t been so keen on believing it, trapping her a few more hours in the real world where she never feels happy anymore.

“I’m here. Missed me?” She breaks into laughter as Jisook shakes her head, the bright smile on her lips betraying her. It’s often easy to forget Jisook is only a year younger than herself and not a kid and Noeul wonders how Jisook can maintain her innocence in such a shady industry.

“We all missed you,” Seunga says calmly. Her eyes are soft, her smile even softer.

“I didn’t!” Hyunyoung exclaims, sticking her tongue out at Noeul. The maknae always had a knack for contradiction in her so Noeul isn’t surprised. Probably a way for the maknae to exist, to prove that she matters too. Noeul understands that well, more than well. “At least, you’re here this time. Another missed meeting and I would have started to wonder if you weren’t trying to sabotage us, unnie!” It’s supposed to be playful but the atmosphere shifts so suddenly that even Hyunyoung is left speechless, suddenly looking down at the ground in shame but not understanding why.

Noeul can feel Jaekyung going cold behind her, hands she hadn’t felt on her waist before now gripping her so tightly her hips would probably turn black and blue.

“Don’t ever say that again, Cho Hyunyoung.” Jaekyung cuts in and if the atmosphere wasn’t already tense enough, it definitely is now.

If Noeul had been a damsel in distress, she probably would have liked Jaekyung trying to defend her.

But Noeul doesn’t need protection, certainly not against Hyunyoung.

What she needs is to set things straight and she takes Jaekyung by the arm and drags out of the room, pretending not to see the inquisitive glances their bandmates are throwing at them.

"What are you even doing?" She demands, voice low. Her grip on Jaekyung is tight, enough for them to have matching bruises by tomorrow. "You need to calm down! It's just Hyunyoung, unnie. You know she's joking."

"I can't." Jaekyung sighs. Her eyes are red, rimmed with eyebags Jaekyung would have never dared to show on an ordinary day, and Noeul understands it's worse than what she had thought. "I tried but I can't."

Noeul is tempted to ask what she's talking about but she's too tired to play pretend. Another day, she would have pointed out that Jaekyung was the one who had promised everything would be alright. Another day, but not today when the words she utters to her are hurtful enough. "Don't ruin this. I won't forgive you." It's not about you, Noeul wants to add but doesn't. Jaekyung already looks defeated as it is. "You have to think of the girls."

Jaekyung chuckles but it rings empty and out of place. "That's all I'm doing! That's all I have been doing, trying to make Rainbow work!"

"Continue to make it work, then! Find a way! We're not ruining Rainbow because you can't handle it." She says, the words coming out of her lips both a threat and a request. "Don't fuck this up, unnie." She whispers, head resting on the leader's shoulder.

"Everything is already fucked up, Noeul-ah." She says slowly, as if the words pains her and she takes a step back, an air of finality on her face. "It's time to stop it all."

The renewal of their contracts is set to happen two weeks later at the beginning of November.

Noeul gets a feeling it won't happen.

 

-

 

When the year had started, Noeul had deemed November as the most bittersweet month of the year, the excitation of celebrating their seventh anniversary together quickly dampened down by the fact that it would probably their last one as Rainbow.

It had been before the proposition of a contract renewal, their newfound popularity and the billions of won they had earned enough for the agency to change their mind. November had seemed lovely, then.

But in the end, November is neither lovely nor bittersweet. It's a nightmare, one that she creates but also one that she escapes from.

She’s not there to view it all — the shock for a general public that hasn’t seen it coming, the incomprehension on Yoonhye’s face, the pain in Woori’ and Seunga’s eyes, the sadness that tones down Jisook’ and Hyunyoung’s bright dispositions and most of all, she isn’t there to see it, the guilt haunting Jaekyung for the years to come (when she wonders when it wrong and when she failed, being a friend and a leader).

Noeul isn’t there, trapped into this nightmare. She is living in a fairytale, where she is the Sleeping Beauty.

Jaekyung had wanted to stop it all.

Noeul had just been the one to do it.

(She had been the one who had started it, it had seemed fit she would also be the one to end it.)

 

 

 

 

_”I am being born again now  
As I forget the past when I was afraid  
As I go toward my dreams.”_

**Author's Note:**

> 1 There is information of where their dorm was located, so I took the liberty of using the -dong where DSP Media headquarters are located.  
> 2 In March 2016, Noeul will be 26 going on 27 (1989er) but she will be 28 in Korean age.  
> 3 Lee Hoyeon, had a stroke in 2010 and has been hospitalized since then. His wife has taken over DSP Media for the time being.  
> 4 Yang is a korean honorific form, used for females on very formal occasions.  
> 5 In Rainbow, Jaekyung is associated to the color red. Noeul’s color is blue.


End file.
